Mysogeny Is Alive!

So, the position I hold at my company isn't very high, but I don't let that stop me from keeping people above and below me in check.  Today, I put a call together because one of my senior leaders thought he was being asked to check my team's work, when really, we just send it to him so he has a heads up and can make sure we don't go off the rails.

We don't go off the rails. We are ridiculously knowledgeable. He's been in the business 3 weeks, his staff, maybe 6 months, me and my team? Oh the least experienced 5 years and the most 10+. We know our stuff.

So I pull the call together to straighten him out and he starts fishing for compliments. I joke around with a ton of people all day so I play along, and then he says, "oh you say that to all the boys" to which I reply, without a hitch in my getup, "and the girls too."

But he kind of went to a place he shouldn't have. He preceded to say I was going to meet with the other newbie, to which I said, nope, he already knows what we do and how good we are, I don't have to.

Am I a little cocky? Maybe. But should a senior leader say to a group of women, ranging from Vice Presidents to Assistance Vice Presidents, "oh you say that to all of the boys."

Maybe it wasn't the most egregious misstep ever made, but I ended that call feeling yucky. That's not the way to end the week before a vacation, but what can you do.

Maybe report, maybe not. We'll see.

To the principal's office?

I'm fairly certain it's schools' fault that I'm conditioned to think I did something wrong whenever someone senior tells me they want to talk to me. Or maybe it happened at work, because, let's face it, if you are getting the job done, do they ever come out of no where and say, let's talk!

It happened today. One of the people on the leadership team that I work with asked if I could go to his office. What did I do, or, knowing this particularly leader, what was he about to do that would make my life difficult.

Turns out, there is a promotional opportunity he thought I should consider. This is the second time it's become available. The first time I declined it and someone else stepped in, but now they have moved on and it's up again, and the powers that be think I know my stuff. They aren't wrong, I do know stuff.

So I didn't get in trouble, and people are really trying to do nice things for me. I mean, the job would be eliminated in 18 months, and the job I'm in now, might not be. Do I chance the promotion for something secure? Do I go for immediate satisfaction with increased risk, or lower risk with less satisfaction? I'm usually pretty cautious at weighing the odds and making the right choice, but I don't know here.

But isn't it nice they thought of me? And for an extra added ego boost, the boss man messaged me again today to tell me that in the staff meeting people had great things to say about me and that I was in the top 5% in the company for using our new rewards program. Pretty stinking amazing since I am also one of the most critical bosses with the highest standard around, or at least that's what the team says.

Did I do something?

An hour before I left work today, my boss instant messages me, "Everything Ok?"

As a parent, and people manager, I know that often I ask questions I already know the answer to, and so does my boss.

Flashing through my head in the seconds before I respond with a resounding "Yup!" I am thinking, did I do something that got escalated to my boss? I said no to his boss yesterday, do they think I'm broken because I don't want to be treated "like a girl"? Did my staff complain about me? What's his angle?

He then proceeded to give me a pep talk on being positive and engaging, because as he puts it, "it's my thing."

He says that there is no cause for this pep talk, nothing triggered it. So it was either completely random and out of left field, or he was lying to me. Regardless, I'm now left pondering WTF.

I have coworkers that call me Pollyanna and Mrs. Smiley. I have had a huge focus on appreciation and recognition within my team, and outside of it, and then he throws this at my feet?

Um, ok.

I suppose context to this situation is 6 months ago we were told that our jobs would be eliminated in 2 years, except my role and my teams role is kind of up in the air as far as how much we are impacted, which means we are the last men and women standing and have to keep being productive and entertaining until the last person gets kicked out the door.  But I just saw the dude on Friday and he is traveling today and generally doesn't message me when he's traveling unless he needs something.

Ugh, I must have done something. I hate reading between the lines, it's so much easier when they just spell it out for you. Life of a cubicle dweller I suppose.

But I'm Not Your Assistant

So until I can finish my application, you will get stories and rantings from my normal cubicle life.

Today I had to tell, not my boss, but his boss, that I don't have the time to do his clerical work. I didn't say I also don't get paid to do it, because if I did, my income would be 50% of what it is today.

I'm not the most important person in the world by any means, and I'm not out of middle management, but still, when you have an administrative assistant, why on earth would you reach out to me to schedule meetings, or track promotions and transfers. Granted, if you ask me to do something I'll do and and I'll do it well but something about it doesn't feel right.

About ten years ago, same company, different position, I had two peers, both male. The three of us did EXACTLY the same job function, exactly, we were completely interchangeable. That was until the site admin stopped laminating our monthly certificates, because when that happened they didn't ask John or Mike to laminate all afternoon, no, of course not. The female of the group was asked to do it. When the system crashed, I was just as capable as my peers at resolving the issue, in fact I was better than Mike, but they wouldn't let me help unless John was unavailable and Mike had tried and failed. I was the last shot, because really, what is a girl going to know about a computer system.

It happens periodically, not too often, but from time to time, where I do get treated differently because I'm female. It's weird, I mean, that doesn't happen today, oh but it does, I don't think my boss's boss was giving me work because I was a female. I'm pretty darn sure he'd have done the same thing to a dude in my position, but I have that knee jerk reaction.

I'd like to say, it was 10 years ago, things are better. But are they? A week, maybe 2, ago, we had a security presentation. A senior level security officer for our company came out to tell us what the plan is in the event we have a shooter or some kind of serious attack. When the question about pepper spray came up, he said, dead pan, no joke, "well, we'll have to ask the ladies about that." Because only dainty little ladies use pepper spray. I am usually one to let things roll off my back, but even when called out about it, he double downed and said men don't need it.

So if you ask me to make you copies, set up your conference call, or track your new hires, I may wince. I may ask myself if this is because I'm a woman, or because I'm capable, or if it just aligns up with my actual job expectations, and I hope my answer is the the former.

And then you wait.

I should have known better. I logged into the system to apply for the Foreign Service Officer Test, because it said I could apply last Saturday, only to find out that I can apply, but  not fill out my application for another couple of months.

There is a lot of waiting in this whole application process. I used to think I wasn't a patient person, but after a couple of years of doing this, I have come to be ridiculously patient.

Meanwhile, I go to work and sit in my cubicle for the greater part of my day. I escape twice a day to take a walk around our campus at work, it's a multi-facility campus. On one of my walks I run into a coworker, Buddy, who has recently procured a medical marijuana card, although legal in our state, is not acceptable for application into the Foreign Service (it's illegal after all).

Buddy recounted his first experience walking into a dispensary, wide eyed and curious. The worker asked Buddy if he was new to "all of this" meaning smoking pot. Buddy laughed and said, well no, I'm not new to this, miming smoking, but I am new to this, and motions to the walls covered in varietals. They laugh and the worker helps him find a strand to meet his medical needs, and tells Buddy, as a new client, he gets a freebie. Buddy, for his freebie asked for the "good stuff" to use when he didn't have to be at work and his kids were gone.

Buddy tells us about trying the "good stuff" and how he wasn't feeling any pain and his wife thought he was hilariously stoned. He turned around and in all seriousness admitted that marijuana might be improving his relationship with his son.  See Buddy has a stressful job, he is part of the leadership team, we all feel a bit of stress, and when he gets home normally, he doesn't have time or energy to talk to his kid or give him the attention the kid normally wants. Buddy says, now that he's smoking, and the kid doesn't know, they end up having the best conversations after work.

It's a random story, but one that I thought insightful. Who would have guess smoking marijuana could make you a better parent? I suppose that's not a typical result, but still, it's an interesting take away.

And these are the conversations I run in to as I wait to fill out my application. I wonder what will happen tomorrow!

The Application

Fun fact about applying to the U.S. Foreign Service: You can only apply once a year.

This wouldn't be an issue if one applied and then was hired, it really wouldn't come into play at all.  I am not that one. They say the average applicant applies 5 times. Apparently I'm above average since this will be my 6th consecutive year applying!

My husband, who works at the same company as I do, once described me to a training class as "that annoying chihuahua that yaps and yaps until you finally give in to it." Flattering description I know, but it was his way of saying I persistent and generally get what I want.  Let's hope he's right.

Yesterday was officially the date I could apply for 2017, so here I am, documenting my 2017 attempt. The first thing an applicant must do is fill out a registration, much like a quick resume, shoot! My most current resume is on my work computer. It's always good to have that on hand to fill out the registration, so it looks like I might not be completing mine until tomorrow.

After you fill out the registration, you get to schedule a time to take the FSOT exam. I have passed this test 4 out of 5 years. Apparently, last year my head wasn't quite in the game. I couldn't tell you what it was, I have taken the test postpartum, pregnant, and none of the above, but something happened last year and for the first and only time, I did not pass the test and was not invited to the next level of review.

After passing the test, you are invited to respond to a handful of questions, little mini personal essays.  This is where I've gotten stuck each year.  I write my narratives, send them in, and wait for 3 months to not be invited to an oral examination.  This year will be different, I tell myself each year. And each year I believe in my heart, with a grain of salt, that it will and that this is my time.

I realized in 2012, while I was on maternity leave with my first born, that I passionately wanted to join the Foreign Service.  I had considered it at other points of my life, but I realized after she was born I didn't just want to join, I needed to join.

For just over the last decade, I've been a typical cubicle dweller. I've had various jobs within our company, none of which were jobs that I aspired to have when I was younger, but they were adequate and paid the bills. When my daughter was born I realized I owed it to her to do more than just be adequate. I wanted to show her the world. What better way than by serving the country and making a difference?

I won't lie, I was a little nervous last fall when one of the Presidential candidates brought up a nationalistic rhetoric and seemed to indicate that diplomacy was for the weak and that we needed to be stronger. Once that candidate won the election, my worry didn't cease. From my perspective I have a much smaller chance of getting into the Foreign Service than any other year I've applied so far. The budget for the State Department isn't overflowing with cash, and like the corporate world, they too are being asked to do more with less. Taking that into account, with the current administration's nationalistic tendencies and talk that we need to do more at home than abroad, etc., etc., I figure there probably won't be any openings for me to take advantage of.

Though, there is one thing that might be in my favor, maybe. There are some, and I won't lie it crossed my mind as well, who say they don't want to serve under this president. But you know what? This job, this career, this life that I have dreamed of signing up for for the last 6 years isn't about who is in White House. Presidents come and go, parties shift back and forth. Having the chance to join the Foreign Service is above politics, it's a way to serve my country and I think that's pretty amazing. Hopefully those other really smart people who would be my competition don't think of it this way (ha, I have a TERRIFIC imagination don't I?!) and the hiring pool is so slim, they have to take me!

Well here goes nothing, or maybe everything.  See ya on the other side of my application. Ciao for now.